i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
