when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
