I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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