when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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