She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
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