started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Randomize
