Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Randomize
