R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
