This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I wish there were birth control emojis
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
