you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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