Umm I'm too high to move.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
