she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
we're making bets on your personal life
it's great music for shaving your balls
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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