you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
