2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
