You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
