The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
