fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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