Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You brought string cheese to the strip club
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
