My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
