OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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