did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
