i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
