hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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