shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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