I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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