My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
