I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
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I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
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He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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