I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
