please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
