her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
