My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
