Apparently you make a good broom.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
There's always time for handjobs
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
