you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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