Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
is it fun? or sober?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
