If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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