trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
