At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
