I wish I could teleport
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
