He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
