i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
