She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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