Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
