Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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