By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
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You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
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That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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