Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
