Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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