Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
