Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
Girls should come with a carfax report
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Randomize
