i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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