he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
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Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
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So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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