Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
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he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
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I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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