I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
