I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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