The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
