okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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