Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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