Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You pole danced in your parka.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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