the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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